To survive

Something’s wrong. And I feel a little broken. I feel like I’m crying on the inside but how does that even make sense?

I think about how some people take their lives. And how lucky it is for them that their lives have ended. Their pain has ended.

People don’t take their lives cos they dont want to live anymore. They take their lives cos they want the pain to end.

It’s not good to ask for death. But I wish death is good for me.

This life is short but right now it feels so long. These days are difficult, I guess I have to be strong.

My thoughts haven’t been kind. My thoughts have been dark and painful. Where do I let it out? Should I just keep it in? Dark thought like poison. How do you dispose poison without harming anyone?

End in Mind

Everytime I take my meds, something inside me cries.

Part of me is sad (and crying) that I need my meds to function as a ‘normal’ person.
Sometimes I wonder how long this will go on, and if I need to depend on it all my life.

I hope not.

The plan is to be on meds for 2 years, consistently. And the hope is that at the end of 2 years, I don’t depend of them for me to function ‘normally’. And by then I would be able to recognise my symptoms so well that I can help myself before they even surface. I don’t even have to worry about my symptoms, much less a relapse.

That’s the goal.

Halp

Been having horrible dreams and consistently waking up to headaches. Dont matter how long ive been asleep or what time i wake up, the headache is always there. Like it’s been waiting for me. There for me when I wake up. Lel. It’s always worse in the morning.

I can’t be bothered to go to the doctor cos tbh I’m kinda low on budget at the moment and I dont really wanna have to explain myself to the doctor. I dunno. Kinda feels like too much stimulation at the moment.

I think the headaches I’ve been getting are mostly tension headaches (the ones I wake up to) and anxiety headaches (the ones that creep in to me randomly in the day). I prolly know how to explain what and to which doctor. But I dunno.. feels like a huge hassle to be going to the clinic and all.

Maybe it would be a lil more appealing if I don’t have to go alone or if someone even bothers. It would make things easier, tho I can’t say that having a person caring like that is necessary since I’ve survived life without one thus far.

I dunno what to do with the things going on that I don’t understand. The things in my head. In my mind. In my brain.

I don’t feel very well about my mind. I guess I can only do whatever I can. However that makes sense