end the Pain

I feel like I cant do anything right.
I dont find myself to be valuable.
Every night it’s so scary to sleep
because falling asleep takes so long
and i hardly wake up when I need to
it is so easy for so many people
but it is so hard for me

as much as i know this is my battle to fight
this is my struggle to overcome
i am still scared
the environment doesnt make it easier
i could lose my job
i could also lose my mind
like how i lose faith in myself

i have so much black
i have so much poison
and i dont know what im supposed to do with it
do i share it with others?
or do i allow it to only kill me slowly?

everyday my body aches
my head hurts
and i feel so dead inside

help me
help me
somebody save me
from me

i play with the idea of death in my head
if only it came easy
if only it really is the solution
to my eternal bliss

help me
help me
somebody save me
from me

Not.. Crazy, just a little Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me
I’m talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell

To survive

Something’s wrong. And I feel a little broken. I feel like I’m crying on the inside but how does that even make sense?

I think about how some people take their lives. And how lucky it is for them that their lives have ended. Their pain has ended.

People don’t take their lives cos they dont want to live anymore. They take their lives cos they want the pain to end.

It’s not good to ask for death. But I wish death is good for me.

This life is short but right now it feels so long. These days are difficult, I guess I have to be strong.

My thoughts haven’t been kind. My thoughts have been dark and painful. Where do I let it out? Should I just keep it in? Dark thought like poison. How do you dispose poison without harming anyone?

Halp

Been having horrible dreams and consistently waking up to headaches. Dont matter how long ive been asleep or what time i wake up, the headache is always there. Like it’s been waiting for me. There for me when I wake up. Lel. It’s always worse in the morning.

I can’t be bothered to go to the doctor cos tbh I’m kinda low on budget at the moment and I dont really wanna have to explain myself to the doctor. I dunno. Kinda feels like too much stimulation at the moment.

I think the headaches I’ve been getting are mostly tension headaches (the ones I wake up to) and anxiety headaches (the ones that creep in to me randomly in the day). I prolly know how to explain what and to which doctor. But I dunno.. feels like a huge hassle to be going to the clinic and all.

Maybe it would be a lil more appealing if I don’t have to go alone or if someone even bothers. It would make things easier, tho I can’t say that having a person caring like that is necessary since I’ve survived life without one thus far.

I dunno what to do with the things going on that I don’t understand. The things in my head. In my mind. In my brain.

I don’t feel very well about my mind. I guess I can only do whatever I can. However that makes sense